Growth and Comfort

Have you ever felt the same? If so, then maybe because like me, you are too afraid to get out of your comfort zone. You don’t want to be inconvenienced, and you don’t want to change your routine. But somewhere along the way, you will feel the need to do something.

I was once an adventurer. I loved physical and mental challenges–the harder, the better. I loved the adrenaline surging through my body as I spar with my partner during my martial arts class. I felt my blood pumping hard as we roll on the ground, rifles ready during our training to become officers of CAT in high school. I loved the feel of the chilly wind on my damp skin after conquering the treacherous hike to the top of Mt. Makiling. Moments like these made me feel so alive then but these have taken a backseat when I become a mom.

Motherhood made a different kind of adrenaline-inducing high and I welcomed it with trepidation. Each day is different, each child unique and you have to adapt to be able to cater to your children’s needs. My days are like a whirlwind of activities–from waking up early to preparing the kids for school, cleaning up after they’re gone, attending various school activities and meetings, doing the laundry, prepping for the evening meals, and helping them with their assignments. My world revolved around my family.

How and when did I become restless then? Simply put, my children grew up. They don’t need me now as much as they do then. I now have a lot of time simply doing nothing after all the daily chores are done. Hence, the itch. But because I focused too much on my kids and my husband, I felt that I have stagnated. I kept my mind sharp. I read a lot and I even got the reviews I needed trying to answer questions my kids asked about their lessons which I have learned decades ago. I lost confidence in the things I wanted to do because I feel rusty and was quite a recluse.

I have become too comfortable in my role as a wife and full-time mom that I felt afraid to venture out of my comfort zone. I sometimes envy other moms who have time to manage online businesses or divide their time between work and family. It didn’t work for me then because of the difficulty in finding trustworthy nannies to look after our kids when I and my husband are at work. My decision to become a full-time housewife is very rewarding then but it’s different now that they’re grown-ups.

I realized I needed to do something, anything. And like an answered prayer, I stumbled upon this challenge to just write. I used to write winning essays back in high school, and was a news editor in our school paper, got bored with writing in college and shifted to a different course that doesn’t involve writing. I realized that if I am going to start somewhere, might as well be something I know I am good at, even if it’s been decades since I wrote something.

I wanted to grow and to do that, I have to go out of my comfort zone. I need to take my chances, I need to take baby steps to regain my self-confidence. Having a support group is rewarding and encouraging though I still hold back interacting with others because I feel uncomfortable. That’s how reclusive I have been. I don’t want the limelight on me.

This is me now trying to overcome that fear, pouring my heart out in words, and trying my best to show up. This is me coming out of my shell to share my thoughts with people I barely know and who don’t know me. This is me trying not to squander my God-given talents. This is me showing up.